America, These Are Your Champions

This is how the Rapids celebrated their MLS Cup win: a pub crawl, a party bus and more questionable costumes than the sale rack at your local sex shop. If you haven't seen the awesome/hilarious/disturbing shots of Pablo Mastroneni as a pimp-cum-mobster and a shirtless Marvelous Marvel Wynne rocking a cowboy hat, duster and a tie go here. Just know that I can't be responsible for any Fat Albert & The Gang-esque nightmare's you may have as a result.

NSR: Jamie XX vs. Gil Scott-Heron "NY is Killing Me"

5 Random facts:

1. Gil Scott-Heron's father was the first Black player for Celtic.
2. Gil Scott-Heron's last album was Kim Kardashian's booty set aflame-hot.
3. In addition to Mr. Scott-Heron, NY is currently killing me as well.
4. The genre of music known as "Dubstep" is currently quite fashionable.
5. At this moment Jamie XX, of The XX, can do no wrong.

NSR: White Lies "Bigger Than Us"

What kind of hospital has an ER full of lip-syncing children, moody bass players and candy bars so large that they need a gurney to wheel them about? British ones, that's who...f*cking socialized medicine.

Barcelona-Real Madrid: The Biggest Question

Typically I try to avoid discussion of foreign football that has no American connection. But then again I'm also pretty superficial sometimes so let me just ask y'all a question: which shirt should I wear this afternoon?

Specifically which Barça shirt (copped from Soccerpro.com) should I rock because there ain't no way in hell I'm repping Madrid y'all, sorry. This yellow joint or this black joint? I'm thinking the yellow looks better with my boxers --'cause I'm off today and I'm going to be siting on my couch looking like slob watching the game-- but the black is more slimming (did you know I'm overweight? Crazy, right?). But then again if I'm chunky and wearing a yellow shirt then I'll just come off like a Black Big Bird, which isn't the best of looks. These are life's tough decisions. Viva Barça!

Leggy Brunette x Twix x Soccer Not as Hot as it Should Be

I'm sure someone, somewhere has a fetish for soccer balls, chocolate bars, leggings over heels & domestic cleaner...and if it's you holy sh*t will this make you happy. If it's not you then you are perfectly normal and I applaud you for your avoidance of random kink while at the same time I apologize for putting this in front of you.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this but whatever the point of this clip is I'm fairly certain that someone involved with creating it isn't as cleaver as they think they are (and I know a thing or two about not being as clever as I think I am).

DeRo's Post-MLS Cup Tryst

So now that I've caught up on post-MLS Cup sleep and eaten my weight in stuffing & poultry I think I'll take a moment to get out some of the leftovers from Toronto starting with some photos from DeRo's MLS Cup afterparty at Tryst. Don't ask me why but Chad Barrett seemed to be in damn near every pic. And if you don't believe me (and don't mind a club full of scrubs) you can check out an extended photo gallery of pictures from the night. Just beware the randoms and random cleavage.

Viva Futbol #64

Alarazboy should lose points here for using anything by Black Eyed Peas that is post-Bridging the Gap but the editing & selected footage are so good that I can't hate on him. Still, I wish Frenchie would put some actual French music in there just once; I'm just saying a bit of Breakbot would do quite nicely.

VIDEO: Galaxy v. Newcastle Jets

Since I know you weren't up watching this live a t 3:30am, here's the highlights from last night's LA exhibition down in Australia. Nice turnout, a win for the hosts and a paid vacation to somewhere warm for the Galaxy. I think this is what they call a "win-win" (even though someone lost).

Eric Wynalda is Reminiscing Y'all

Where's Waldo? At the Rose Bowl reminiscing about his peak. Get used to it because if the U.S. World Cup bid is successful there will be loads more looking back from everyone associated with the '94 tournament from the players to the ball boys to the fans. It'll be a cavalcade misty-eyed memories and ugly kits. Can't wait. Best watch the FSC World Cup announcement show on Dec. 2nd and prepare yourself for the onslaught.

Poor Tackling at CommunityAmerica Ballpark Not Limited to Players

A couple of months ago I teased K.C.'s cameo on MTV's The Buried Life that featured some Tiffany May-esque, partially-nude streaking action. Well the episode aired and the action happened...but my guess is that you probably didn't see it because, let's be real here, the only thing people watch on MTV anymore is Jersey Shore.

I'm not condoning the invasion of pitches nor do I intend to disparage the fine men & women that keep our stadiums secure but it has to be said that the security staff at CommunityAmerica Ballpark can't tackle for nothin'. On the flipside we now know what the Chiefs defense does on its days off.

VIDEO: MLS Cup Raw

Sadly this video does not feature Eddie Murphy in a leather suit or any pantomime wrasslin' but it does have some intimate & unviewed scenes from MLS Cup, some of which you may wish to turn away from if you are a North Texas resident still grappling with the tragic events of Sunday evening. So if that describes you, then I'm sorry to bring up old sh*t. Otherwise Happy Thanksgiving.

And Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Well here it is, the semi-annual "What the hell is going on with Freddy Adu?"-article. Today's piece comes from Rob Hughes who calls Freddy's arrival in Denmark "as sad as it was inevitable." I'm not sure about inevitable, but yeah, it is kind of sad that The Biggest Midget in the Game™ can't get a contract at the mid-tier Danish club that employs former RSL teammate Yura Movsisyan.

I may be wrong about this but at this point it seems like epic stubbornness on the part of either him or his agent. Like he'll play anywhere instead of MLS -not because it's inferior but because he just doesn't want to give up on playing in Europe now that he's gone there. Like I said it's sad, especially given that there are a few domestic clubs that could use him and he probably still carries some cache with certain fans.

And if you are wondering what the photo has to do with any of this you are ass-out if you're expecting it to have any sort of connection to the story; any excuse to post pictures of player playin'.

Love Note to Canada

I'm tired. I'm dehydrated. I'm happy. I'm still in Toronto.

The Cup has come and gone but I've got one more night in the Republic of Canuckistan before returning home. If any Canadians are reading this I appreciate your hospitality and overall awesomeness. You love your footie, your streets are improbably clean and your street hot dogs are the pinnacle of drunken, late-night cuisine. If a nation could be "my dude" you would be it. Thanks for having me...let's get together again in Montreal in 2013.

Edson Buddle 2010 Mixtape

EB14 x Jack Rabbit Slim....unlikely yet winning mixtape combination.

Landon Donovan Wins Greatest Award of All Time

BTW if you get your chance you should lift your glass to Landon Donovan for receiving yet another honor this year. At last week's GQ Awards dude was actually named the magazine's "Baller of the Year." Seriously, who needs an MLS, Gold, or World Cup when you hold a title like that because that sh*t is f*cking awesome. Play on Playa.

Last Night's Party: DP's at The Social

Good times on Queen St. last night with my blog buddies and assorted old and new friends. Last night's party at The Social was our second MLS Cup get together and it was the sh*t. Not in corny "look at us, we have bottle service"-way but a "in no other sport in North America could you mix so many players, fans, bloggers, journos and team & league staff members in the same room so seamlessly"-way. And I got to dance ironically to 2 Live Crew with Temryss Lane for, like, 60 seconds so there's that. Seriously, if you came through, "thank you."



A new friend from the Timbers Army and an old friend from the ESC.



Kyle Martino, Eva Amurri and Edson Buddle stepped up the celebrity factor substantially.



Dunny & Wondo: smiley-assed Californians.



My co-workers Jonah Freedman & Nick Firchau holding it down all classy like.



Last player to leave the party: Jon Conway. No longer a Metro but he is still my dude.



The party would not have happened without Beans. And it wouldn't have been a party without Jimmy Conrad.



Tom Wrecks won the award for Most Appropriately-Named DJ. He smashed it.



Jackie Pickering and the Jimmy Conrad Appreciation Society.

RS-Sell Those Tickets

I'm sure I may offend someone (what's new?) with this but it's kind of sad that the only RSL video I'm seeing right now is one pimping tickets for new year because I fully expected to be seeing them in Toronto right now. Good on you Dallas for getting here and I know you ran things all season LA, but REAL SALT LAKE WAS THE BEST TEAM IN MLS IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2010. There, I said it.

And now look at 'em. They ain't practicing today at BMO Field, they didn't get to buy any duty free and they sure as hell ain't partying their asses of Sunday night with DeRo. Sad sh*t y'all...the game is cruel. Great commercial though.

I'm Not from Canada But I Can T. Dot Boogie

Hey y'all. Sorry for the lack of posts but as I am in T.Dot on official company business I'm spending most of my time on that other blog, the Twitters and the Book of Faces. But if you happen to be in Canuckistan as well let's catch up tomorrow and party & bullsh*t.

BTW our DJ tomorrow will be none other than Tom Wrecks. You may know him from the Drake remix above or his Love Lockdown remix on the Kanye West Sky High mixtape. Yeah, we got it like that.

The Ballad of Gale Agbossoumonde

Didi you know that Traffic Sports --owners of the USL/NASL/D2/Whatever It's Called League team Miami FC-- own USMNT debutant Gale Agbossoumonde's contract? I didn't until I read this ESPN piece and I am fascinated by it. If you haven't read it yet you must. It's some sad sh*t but beyond interesting. Major props to Leander on this one.

Against Everyone's Advice, USL Still Holding on to New York Dream

Oh look who's back. It's FC New York, the self-professed soon-to-be-kings of the Gotham soccer scene. Or at least they thought they were going to be last time the attempted to launch. But a lot has changed since then: RBNY has become something close to relevant in the market, the ghost of the Cosmos is making the rounds and the USL has managed to become even more unstable.

But one thing hasn't changed: they are still going to be playing on Long Island. Seriously guys, why try?

Party & Bullsh*t 2010: The Notorious DP Party Returns

You may heard by now that my esteemed colleagues/brothers-in-blog and I are once again hosting a little gathering of the tribes at MLS Cup this year. If you're in town and up for a little late night beer & boogie swing by The Social on Friday night and we'll catch up. If it's anything like last year's debacle it'll be an important off-season talking point as someone of note is bound to be seen doing something they won't be proud off the next morning. Hope to see you there!

Where in the World is Juan Pablo Angel?

Partying his ass off, that's where. And why the hell not, it's not like he got to go to work in the morning for a while. So why not hit up the red carpet for some random event with model Damaris Lewis at NYC's Lavo. Hell, he probably got a free Lautrec watch and some bottle service just for showing up so I can't be mad at that. All I wanna know is...where's the after party? Philly, New England, D.C?

Sing of Along to the Hits of Chicago

Fire fans, tell me this isn't the Dirty Version of the Section 8 vibe and that this is the Radio Edit. I've never sat in the section myself but I'm going to give y'all the benefit of the doubt that you can bring more of the funny and maybe even a little bit of the ribald than this video would imply. I'd also like to believe that you guys throw in "The Streetplayer" from time to time. "Street sounds fall into my mi-i-i-i-ind..."

Things You Don't See Every Day...

...a dedication ceremony for a dirt soccer field. If that doesn't tell you everything (or at least a lot) about how good suburban American kids have it we need to talk. Or at the very least chat via the comments.

A Night on the Rocks with Rogers & Lenhart

From TheRobbieRogers.com comes this very-real slice of life in the CLB starring Steven Lenhart, the beautiful & talented Ashleigh Ignelzi and the man himself. It features, sushi, comedy mustaches, skateboarding, wearing sunglasses at night, the music of Phoenix, a spontaneous fashion show and vague insinuations of an off-season transfer. If this is Robbie Rogers real life I have to ask, can I kick it my dude? Looks like a good time.

VIDEO: Stu Holden's First Goal for Bolton

Tell me Scotland, why didn't y'all try and cap this kid again?

NSR: Chromeo "Hot Mess"

The title of this song best describes what many folks in Toronto will be next Saturday morning following what will be going down next Friday night. Details to come.

ESPNLA With the (Balls) Deep Read on David Beckham

Leave it to ESPN Los Angeles' Scott French, who incidentally looks like a hybrid between Terry Richardson and his excellence David Hirshey, to knock out probably the lengthiest written piece on Goldenballs since The Beckham Experiment. It may not be a book but make no mistake this is a long, damn near ginormous article that might actually be worthy of being described with the much-overused adjective "epic."

If you've got the day off, are retired, are currently imprisoned or just don't give a damn about doing actual work this morning you should definitely give this a read. It's engaging stuff. Just be sure to grab a coffee or go the restroom first because this could take a while.

The Real Shock of Bradley's Roster

So let's forget about the Teal Bunbury call up and fall out for a minute and ask ourselves this question: isn't Logan Pause the real shock of this roster? Discuss.

Ooooooooh Canada...

Oh Canada I have so much love for you. My favorite city on the continent resides within your borders (Montreal), my preferred icewine is Inniskillin and your ability to own firearms while simultaneously suppressing the urge to shoot everybody up is beyond reproach. So I feel a little bad for y'all for getting shafted on Teal Bunbury's international future.

But only a little...this is international soccer after all. So welcome Teal and sorry Canada. I will buy you a round next week in Toronto and you can cry all over my shoulder. Or punch me in my ample American gut.

Viva Futbol #63

Slow news day (but that is soooo gonna change in about 30 minutes) unless you want argue about the MLS Coach of the Year award. So to pass the time until the USMNT roster is announced at 1pm check out the latest work from Alarazboy. See you soon.

NSR: Forget Black Ops, Hold Out for Homefront

I know that this may be sacrilege right now with the new Call of Duty game getting everyone from Charlie Davies to Sacha Kljestan all hot and bothered right now but the shooter I am waiting for is Homefront. It doesn't drop until February but maybe that's a good thing because you'll need a minute to get used to the concept of a U.S. military-themed FPS being set completely in an occupied United States.

True, CODMW2 touched on that theme but only for a few levels. For me those were the most tense, engaging and interesting bits of the game and I think for the first time ever a video game actually got into my head; it played with my patriotic tendencies enough that I actually felt some emotional need to repel the invaders from my land. Watching this trailer above for Homefront I think I'm going to be going down that road again.

And if you've ever though "why hasn't anyone made a video game of Red Dawn?" the single player mode of this game was written by John Milius, screenwriter for Red Dawn, Apocolypse Now and The Hunt for Red October. In shortThis sh*t is going to rule.

Ireland Wants to Harvest Heritage in America

So Ireland manager Giovanni Trappatoni wants to scour North America for players with Irish-sounding names to help bolster Ireland's national team. It sounds like he's not Euro-snobbing with this and willing to consider anyone in the hunt for new blood but it sounds kinda messed up in a way, almost offensive maybe to some people.

Take my mother-in-law for instance. She was born a Kelly (she's of Irish-American extraction) but married a Kerekes from Romania. After marrying and having a few kids, the family moved briefly to Kansas City. So one day my mother-in-law went to register the kids for catechism classes at the local church. The nun that was handling the intake started filling out the paperwork for her happily, asked her what their last name was then said, "Kerekes? That doesn't sound like a Catholic name to me." My mother-in-law took umbrage with her assessment, walked out of the room and pretty much hasn't set foot in church outside of a wedding, funeral or christening since.

Now, I'm not making any statement about religion here; I'm just saying that some folks aren't cool with the pigeon hole. That being said, I hope to heaven-on-high that Brandon McDonald, Darius Barnes, Geoff Cameron, Danny Earls, Blair Gavin and any other random MLSer with a hint of stout beer about his last name gets a shot at world football. The more internationals in this league the better, regardless of who they play for or how silly the recruitment method.

Exactly Who is Chris Wondolowski Really?

Just what do we know about this Chris Wondolowski other than he is a dreamkiller for all who dare try to defend against him this year? Did he really go to a school called Chico State? And in what country is the state of Chico located? Is he a socialist "muslin"? Which side is he picking in this whole Steven Tyler v. Kid Rock beef? And how did he get so cotdamn lethal this year? Julie Foudy (yes, Julie Foudy) tries to find out the answers to some of these on a couch set in a goalmouth for the good of the New Soccer Nation.

Mick Jagger Brings Stadium Rock Attitude to World Cup

When you are the rock god that is Mick Jagger you do the World Cup a little bit differently than say, you or I, would. There is no wearing of jerseys. There is no singing (oddly since he is a singer by trade). There is no wondering if your ticket is a bootleg. And there is no queuing for anything.

There are however chauffeur-driven excursions to U.S. matches, V.I.P. seats beside fellow old-school party boy Bill Clinton, meticulously draped cashmere scarves, cameos by Sunil Gulati & Katie Curic and boasts of a post-game after-party at Sun City Casino with "gambling & lots of showgirls." Never in the brief history of this blog has a post cried out so loud for the tags "Geriatrics", "Music" and "Ballin' Outts Control" simultaneously.

[H/T TOW]

What I Need For Christmas: Bazooka Goal

If you are as over you PUGGS as I am, this could be the replacement move. Anyone know where a dude can get his hands (and feet?) on one of these contraptions? If so, holla.

Beckham Deemed Funny/Not Funny Enough for SNL

Allegedly there is an offer on the table for David Beckham to host Saturday Night Live. Apparently Lorne Micahaels' people saw that Ellen bit from a few weeks ago and think he'd be a good fit. Also, he can't be any worse at it than Deion Sanders was. As a fan of the sport of soccer and SNL I have nothing but the highest hopes that this will come to pass.

I do have a suggestion however. It would be cool if his monologue began with something like "I'm David Beckham, this is my first time hosting SNL. I play soccer for the reigning MLS Cup champions, the LA Galaxy." That's sounds much better than "I'm David Beckham and I play for the LA Galaxy, who were top of the table all year thrn lost in final to a team from Colorado you've never heard of." Not that LA needs any more motivation to win a trophy but please do it so MLS can get a mention on SNL where it isn't the butt of the joke.

Also, you should remake "Dick in a Box" but with the box in question being the 18 yarder. The ladies and homosexualists might appreciate that I reckon.

Stuart Holden: International Midfielder of Mystery

Even though he's in England instead of Scotland, it sounds like our Stuart is getting his accent back dunnit? Like he needs another weapon in his lady-killing arsenal. What's next, smooth-assed bespoke suits and a mantle full of awards to go along with his pro-baller status? Oh wait, he's got that already? Bastard. I think I might have to start playa hatin' on him just because.

RBNY Make Like Jamaican MC, Shout "Rewind!"

Being that tonight's match is "the biggest game in team history" it's as good a time as any to look back on the regular season. So here's a mixtape. Knock yourselves out and reminisce about a season that isn't even over yet; this is what happens when the ADD generation finally grows up and get jobs in new media.

The Taylor Twellman Press Conference

If you've hung out at TOR for more than a minute you may recall a couple of jokes being made at the expense of one Taylor Twellman. I've made my funnies --even a few I may regret-- but I'm going to give him props for the speech he spit at his retirement party yesterday. Dude spoke from the heart, was humble enough to let Steve Nicol interrupt him on the mic and (most importantly) at no point sounded like he was reading a brief, prepared statement. This was a real man throwing out real feelings and I appreciated it as much as anything he has ever done on the field.

So with that I'll bequeath TT with the rarest of TOR retirement gifts: an apology. I doubt he ever saw it or even reads this wreck of a blog but in case it got back to him, this right here may have been a bit much. It was written at a time when I was too chickensh*t to not write things that I wouldn't say/didn't have the stones to say to someone's face. If you saw or read that back in the day and happen to see this TT, my bad.

But since he isn't playing anymore he also gets another gift....the "geriatrics" tag. Happy retirement TT! Pow!

Sounders Fans Provide Spectacle Outside of Stadium as Well as In It

Apparently an alarming number of Sounders fans found it necessary to combine flash-mobbing and the favorite pastime of Filipino prisoners, performing the "Thriller" dance, outside of Qwest Field on Halloween. Sorry y'all but this is kinda of a playoff party foul and it will surely provide enough fodder for Timbers and 'Caps fans to get through their expansion season without EVER running out of material. Even these guys are probably having a laugh about this.

Press Pass on the Playoffs

The playoffs roll on tomorrow as New York tries to get it in against San Jose in Harrison. Word is that last week's trio of damaged goods --Tony Tchani, Salou Ibrahim and Thierry Henry-- are cleared to play but if sh*t ain't broke, then why try to fix it. Basically what I'm saying is let Agudelo start again, don't try and put TiTi in there just because you can. This is the playoffs, not a time to tinker.

But that's just me, that's just what I'm thinking. Go listen to Janusz and Andrew from Press Pass if you want to get another take on RBNY and some of the other games that are coming up this weekend. Now if you'll excuse me I've got some Champions League games to watch.

CJ Brown is the Smoothest, Youngest-Looking Retiree Ever

I feel like the Fire missed a massive opportunity here to use Eminem's "Cleaning Out My Closet" as the intro music here. Maybe it was just too expensive to go with but I would like to think that there was someone really art-damaged involved in the creative process who decided not to because that would have been too "lamestream" and obvious.

But is CJ Brown really an Eminem type of dude? Prolly not. He seems too smooth for that mall-thug sh*t. I bet as soon as he got home from emptying out his locker he put on some white linen pants, maybe a pair of mandals and listened to the latest Eric Benet record while pouring himself a glass of brown liquor.

Bumpy Pitch Has Got That New-New For You

America's undisputed kings of independent soccer-lifestyle clothiers*, Bumpy Pitch, have just pulled back the curtain on their latest collection of ultra-high quality tees for the discerning footie fan. Check out the latest from my guys --including the Bronx United jawn pictured above-- here, wait for it here, then wear it here, meet her, then (maybe) end up here^.

*That's right, I'm crowning their ass.
^Am I saying that a t-shirt will land you a lady? No. But dressing well can have a positive effect on your love life.

NSR: MGMT x Erol Alkan

When I was young and sexy I used to go see Erol Alkan DJ the Trash party at The End in London. Dude was amazing. He would drop the latest electro tracks, whatever single The Libertines had out at the time and always ended the night with the same two songs: "There Is a Light & It Never Goes Out" by The Smiths and "Rock & Roll Suicide" by David Bowie.

As is the want of most professional DJ's these days he's also a remixer/producer. Here he polishes the turd that was the original version of MGMT's "Congratulations" for the good of humanity. Nice to hear Ben Goldwasser and Andrew VanWyngarden singing over something you can move to again.

Gratuitous Joel Lindpere Post

No other reason to post this other than the fact that I have a random photo of him balling out on a red carpet somewhere with scandalous-assed Shallon and Nikki from MTV's Downtown Girls. Oh and he scored the game-winner on Saturday while crocked. Good man.

Kang: Legend of the Chinatown Soccer Club

When VICE started dropping all these soccer videos for the We Are 11 campaign, I had a brief internal dialogue with myself about how long it would be until they threw out a Chinatown Soccer Club clip. Apparently the answer is "November."

"Smile, We're Rich": TiTi Meets LeBron

Thierry Henry wasn't on the field for the Red Bulls this weekend but he was court-side for the Nets. Dude eschewed his now-usual place at the Garden to play the role of NBA fan-boy for an evening in Newark, where Lebron & them did work last night at the Prudential Center (Ronny Truiaf, you have been betrayed). At least I think it's TiTi. It could be Newark Mayor Cory Booker; those two fools do kind of look alike.

Joel & The Jamaican

If you're down with Dane, you should read this profile on him in the Wall St. Journal (yes, the Wall St. Journal). It's a more-than-decent account of his rise from the dirt fields of Jamaica to the community college baller of the year to current role as Thierry Henry protege. For me though the big reveal is that he is roommates with Joel Linpere.

If you've ever met or seen interviews with these two surely you can grasp how awkwardly amazing their homelife must be. What I would pay to be a fly on the wall while they sit on the couch and trash talk each other in heavily accented, marginally decipherable English while playing FIFA 11. And I can only imagine what manner of party & bullsh*t went down after the both scored against New England a few weeks ago.

This is easily the greatest/most lethal Caribbean-Eastern European collaboration since Russia & Cuba got together back in the 60's for the missile crisis.