Chris Pontius: Bachelor Baller
Cotdamn Chris Pontius. Why ya gotta go out all shirtless with your abs all ripped up to f*** and making the rest of fat guys look worse than we already do? Do you just go play pickup games like that, with your whatever-those-side-muscles-are-called just hanging out for the ladies and homsexualists? Or was this photo taken on the set of the Abercrombie answer to Untitled (How Does it Feel)?
Seriously fool, I loathe you (for your physical superiority and for the team that employs you) but I hope you win this Cosmo Bachelor Blowout thing (vote here). Do it for soccer. Do it for your club. Do it for all of us who have torsos the shape of that ball your holding and can't get a sniff of love from that magazine's readership.