The Real Reason Germany HAS to Win Today


For reasons that are as mysterious as the whereabouts of Ante Razov, I loathe the German national team. But today for reasons that are as plain and superficial as the Hilton sisters I am rooting for them to defeat Spain in their World Cup semi-final match.

Why? Because a Netherlands-Germany final is what the world needs. Not for the outrageously nationalistic statements (mostly from Dutch fans/media) about repaying past cultural & political injustices. And not for the grand display of superb technical & tactical soccer that would surely be on display if the two were to meet in the final. People, this needs to happen for fashion.

That's right, I'm suggesting that the greatest sporting event in the history of humanity not to include lions & a Roman coliseum be co-opted on behalf of the only thing in existence more continental than the Champions League theme song: couture.

I admit that this entire argument is bullsh*t but one look at the managerial staffs of these two nations and you just know that this is what was billed as "the dream final" on the World Cup bracket in the break room of the GQ Magazine offices. Seriously, check out Dutch manager Bert van Marwijk and assistant coach Frank De Boer:


Amazing, right? They offer a glimpse of what life would be like in 2010 if Wham! never broke up. These two look far more runway-ready than ready to run laps and I'm feeling it. I bet they even keep mineral water and champagne on the bench at all times. Then we have German manager Jogi Loew:


Dude has received a ton of press for his lucky blue, v-neck sweater and they've now sold out at department stores anywhere near Munich. The photo above is from the one game at the World Cup where he went for a more UES, office-casual look and didn't wear it. You know what happened? Germany lost (and I clapped but that is neither here nor there). The lesson here is that if you have a good look, rock that sh*t for all it's worth; change for the sake of it can lead to disastrous consequences (see: Brek Shea's recent quiff).

This is why Germany has to win today. They have to win so coaches worldwide see that dressing like my 8th grade P.E. coach will get you nowhere but a job as an 8th grade P.E. coach. They have to win so that Parsons kids and metrosexualists will tune in to the final in numbers so high that Vanity Fair will have to pay attention. They have to win so that I can see Andre Leon Talley ask the managers "Who are you playing at forward and who are you wearing?" from the tunnel outside the locker rooms on the ESPN pre-game show.

They have to win....for superficiality's sake.


Dave said...

If it wasn't for that God-damned octopus your dream would have come true. Ceviche anyone?

Alan said...

Awesome post SF!!!

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