Video: FC Dallas Use Robot Voices, Michael Johnson to Predict Injuries

I'm still feeling a little rough so as much as I heart robot voices, I couldn't handle the bleeps in the music that follow it and subsequently did not make it all the way through this video. You will fare much better than I.

Oh How I Hate You This Morning, Arena Beer

Sorry y'all but I've got nothing for you this a.m. other than a hangover.


I'm Off to the Garden to Get My Sex on Fire

Off to Madison Square Garden for the Kings of Leon gig. I would get drunk and rowdy (or as rowdy as I can get with a bum ankle) but I'm sitting with my boss's boss so I'll probably stay sober enough to tell you about it in the a.m. The good news is once I get this out of my system you'll never have to hear me use the phrase 'sex on fire' again, at least on this blog.

Random USL Post: Vancouver Pre-Season Check-In

I have nothing to add other than that Teitur doesn't look a thing like someone whose name is pronounced like "tater" should look; he's far too fit and appears to possess a full set of teeth.

Video: Capella is Absolutely Terrified of Strippers

I've remained mum on the whole Becks-A.C. Milan thing for far too long. After seeing this clip of Fabio Capello (courtesy of Dave The Hedgehog) being treated to a lap dance on a talk show I think he should stay; if this is they way they treat managers, God knows what kind of debauched delicacies await Becks when he visits the Vinny Vedecci show.

U.S. Releases MLS-Laden Roster for Mexico Match Camp


The list of players called in to camp by Bob Bradley ahead of the U.S.-Mexico match has been released. Cooper and Davies up top anyone?

GOALKEEPERS: Jon Busch (Chicago Fire), Will Hesmer (Columbus Crew), Matt Pickens (Colorado Rapids).

DEFENDERS: Jonathan Bornstein (Chivas USA), Frankie Hejduk (Columbus Crew), Ugo Ihemelu (Colorado Rapids), Chris Wingert (Real Salt Lake), Marvell Wynne (Toronto FC).

MIDFIELDERS: Brian Carroll (Columbus Crew), Ricardo Clark (Houston Dynamo), Eddie Gaven (Columbus Crew), Stuart Holden (Houston Dynamo), Jack Jewsbury (Kansas City Wizards), Sacha Kljestan (Chivas USA), Robbie Rogers (Columbus Crew), John Thorrington (Chicago Fire).

FORWARDS: Brian Ching (Houston Dynamo), Kenny Cooper (FC Dallas), Charlie Davies (Hammarby IF), Chris Rolfe (Chicago Fire).

Kei Kamara Has Some Things He'd Like To Tell You. Twice.

I'm not sure what's going on here. Is it a rap? Is it poetry? Or is Dynamo striker Kei Kamara just on some other sh*t? There was some dancing there so I think it might be a rap. But it doesn't always flow so maybe it's some abstract, post swearing-in poetry type of thing. It appears to be possibly filmed in a bathroom so maybe it's more of a confessional. Or cry a for help.

I dunno. Whatever it is it's Kei's and it's an honest to God a mystery beyond that. What's your interpretation?

NSR: Colin Munroe Is The Unsung Hero, Tabi Bonney Is In My Office

It is almost a year to the date since the last time Colin Munroe got mentioned on TOR so I guess it's as good a time as any to drop his name again. The genre-hopping kid is the quintessential millennial and recently let loose a mixtape entitled Colin Munroe is the Unsung Hero. It's got Wale, Joell Ortiz, a U2 cover, Bob Dylan re-works and some Dallas Austin production on it so it's just all over the place musically. More importantly it is free from OnSmash so cop that sh*t now.

Another cat you should check out is Tabi Bonney. He's from D.C. and he's kinda nice. He's also standing in my office right now so I'm not going to say anything bad about him. Check out tracks from his new album Dope on Myspace and keep an eye out for the video to "Rich Kids" which I'm told was shot a week and a half ago but still has not made it's way to the 25th floor of 1515 Broadway. What gives Tabi?

A Special Dedication to Now-Former D.C. United Player Marcello Gallardo

Like Justin and them said in the 90's...bye bye bye.

This Post Sponsored in Part By Toni & Guy: Kljestan Cut


As recently documented, I'm not a huge fan of hair on my head. If you want it on your head, then I'm fine with that but personally I like my bonnet like my women; shaven.

Rapunzel aside, the last person I expected to adopt my preference for the shorn look is our Sacha. My man on the inside, namely Chivas USA photographer Juan Miranda, snapped this picture of a decidedly less-Fabioesque Kljestan for Dentro del Rebaño at yesterday's goat's practice and I'm sure that there will be many confused & distraught ladies throughout the New Soccer Nation as the word spreads. Frankie Hejduk and Gino Padula, you are now on the clock.

Whilst we're discussing it, yesterday I took delivery of the latest additions to The Largest Collection of Soccer-Related Literature in Eastern Monmouth County™, one of which is book entitled "Footballer's Hair" (which can be purchased as 'used' from Amazon.com for only $0.1 + S&H). Sacha isn't in it but there's an amazing cavalcade of soccer hairdo's & hairdon'ts in there that shouldn't be missed.

You should also not be afraid to test your knowledge of the follically challenged footabller's by taking this wholly unneccessary quiz. It's good times.

Video: Red Bull Collegiate Kickoff

For people with a fetish for college boys or Joe Cannon only.


Video: Becks Scores In Front Of Capello, Theatre Dorks

Which is more dramatic? Becks second goal for AC MIlan --which by the way is the type of set piece wonder he's yet to unleash in MLS -- or all the "will he stay or will he go" back and forth between MLS, The Galaxy and the Italians?

The answer is neither: MacBecks is where the real drama is.

The Great Conflict of Soccer Interests


The 2009 MLS schedule was only released today and Steve 'Quickdraw' Davis at Soccernet has already got a piece up on the club v. country debate. Just like stubborn belly fat, this ain't going away for while or without serious sacrifice.

NSR: The Prodigy's Omen

I'm not posting this because I'm feeling the song but more out of respect for my cartoon rave grandads. I actually danced on-stage with The Prodigy one night on the Music for the Jilted Generation tour, which was easily the highlight of my non-DJing adolescent nocturnal adventures. In the early 90's no one (not even Ed Chemical) created breaks so dense, energetic or as bassy as Liam Howlett and I worshiped him for it. Thankfully I never got that tattoo of their logo that I always talked about getting on my calf.

But that doesn't mean that they should still be releasing records though. This new sh*t should just be licensed straight away to EA Sports because it is just full-on video game music. Great energy but I can't see myself listening to it while driving a real car. But listening to it while wrecklessly driving a car on Midnight Club...that I could do. That or it should be on one of the Options screens on FIFA09.

Video: TOR Says Protect Ya Neck

If you're going to try and do dirt on the pitch, at the very least make an effort to fool somebody. Conversely, if you're taking a run at a dirty keeper be prepared to catch a roller derby-style elbow at a moments notice.

U.S. Players Get the Obamicon Treatment


Now that Shepard Fairey's iconic Obama portrait is as ubiquitous as oxygen, it seems fitting that there is an Obamicon website were you can make your own knockoffs in muted reds and blues. TOR reader David W. knocked out a couple of U.S. Soccer-themed images just in time for the big Mexico match. Personally I find the players that he choose to represent the themes of Hope, Progress and Change quite fitting.


NSR: The Black Keys Live in Amsterdam

Personally I don't like hair; it's just an unnecessary morning hassle so I do my best to not have any. The Black Keys obviously feel differently than I do and that's cool since I imagine you might need the Sasquatch look to get away music this hirsute. As a friend pointed out when I was DJing this weekend, I "like music for drug addicts (read: dance music) and foreigners". True, but I'm also tits-over-tail for dirty, beery rock music....so enjoy a full hour of it from Akron's The Black Keys.

U.S. U-20, Chicago Fire Player signs With Maccabi Tel Aviv


I didn't even know dude was released by Chicago but apparently he's now in Israel. Godspeed son and good luck trying to find a good deep dish pizza over there.

Stadium P*rn: New Red Bull Arena Animation

Watching this animation of Red Bull Arena (courtesy of Red Bulls Reader) hurts so good. I'm still a bit saddened by the delay but I won't hold grudges, especially against something so beautiful. Is it wrong that I want to make sweet love to it and start a family out of wedlock?


Is Freddy Dead?


Why is The Biggest Midget in The Game™ not playing? Soccernet's David Moose says "unless he is the worst practice player in the history of the game, there is no possible explanation why Adu can't play for Monaco". Maybe he's on to something. Or not. Either way our kid seems to be seeing about as much action as me, aged 15...I couldn't even get any from myself.

Is It Just Me or Do American Keepers Just Sprout Right Out of the Ground in Europe?


Ever heard of this kid Colin Burns? I've never heard of him but apparently he's an American player who's been outsourced to Europe. He's played for a team that sound's like a curry (Olimpia Bălţi), one that could be a knock-off soft drink from the Carter era (Sepsi-78) and one that appears to be the name of an Olympic medalist from eastern Europe (Kokkolan Palloveikot). He's currently playing for Ljungskile SK, who are not a Norwegian metal band but in fact a top-flight Swedish squad.

There are just soooooo many Yank keepers over there that it's officially an American cottage industry. Names like Matt Allen, Ian Joyce, Patrick Lane, Luis Robles, and David Yelldell aren't as known as
Freidel, Howard, Guzan or Hanneman but they're over there doing thier thing albeit with a little less press. Except for Burns who got the love from Soccernet today.

A Little Help For Our Friends


There's been an avalanche of articles lately about Marcia Williams, the wife of RSL's Andy Williams and her battle against leukemia. It's a good thing that the net is being cast so wide since she's in need of a helping hand in the search for a bone marrow donor. Today Goal.com Kyle McCarthy not only tells the family's story but more importantly tells us what we can do to help.

Further information on bone marrow donation can be found at Marrow.org.

NSR: Friendly Fires "Skeleton Boy"

Just because the "you're too much, too much" hook was stuck in my head all weekend.

And Now a Message from the TOR Dept. of Health

Be advised that a mild outbreak of Pan-Pacific Championship fever seems to have reached the mainland from Hawaii. Be on the look out for symptoms including but not limited to excessive use of the processional anthem, droll speaking voice (Bruce Arena) and increased use of hair product & eye-liner (Alan Gordon).


NSR: The Whitest Boy Alive "Burning"

Something for the weekend.

MLS Expansion Death Race 2011: The Soccernet Report


MLS Expansion Death Race 2011 is currently harder to call than an ex-girlfriend you owe an apology to. Ives doesn't try to pick favorites, but he has broken down the haves & have-nots of each bid for Soccernet. My money is on Miami and Vancouver...not that they are the ones I want to see, but those are the two that feel like winners to me.

Video: Montreal Stadium Expansion

The descriptive copy that accompanied this clip on Youtube reads "En vue de l'expansion de la ligue de soccer MLS 2011 par Provencher-Roy et associés."

Translation: "For the expansion of the MLS soccer league in 2011 by Provencher Roy and associates." Oh what could have been.

If You're In Jersey Saturday Night...


"One More Time"*

*Quote taken from the composition of the same name by French composers Daft Punk.

Former Red Bull On Trial in Germany


While we're all waiting around like John's at the point to find out if our Sacha is going to be a Tim, word out of Germany is that brother Gordon in on trial at Koblenz. If that name rings a bell it's because the club features 2 other Americans, Matt Taylor & David Yelldell. Go luck my dude.

Mike Magee in LA, My Faith in RBNY Being Tested

First we had to see Dave van den Berg strutting around D-town with his new buddies, now Mike Magee (who until his trade to LA was the longest-tenured Metro) is being all insensitive and telling me how great the weather is, how happy he is now & how he never liked me anyway. So add being "officially unhappy" to "being jaded" on my list of despicable additions to my disposition. Congratulations life, you have broken me.

I'm sure I'm just being dramatic and will get over it but my man Onionsack said it best yesterday and pointed out that other than the signings of Mike Petke and Mac Kandji, there has been just an avalanche of bad news for RBNY fans since MLS Cup. His list of negative news is as follows:

-Jeff Parke, RBNY's most consistent defender lost in expansion draft
-Defender Diego Jimenez not offered a contract and returns to Mexico
-Decide to pass on hot academy prospect Matt Kassel for a second time
-Dave van den Berg goes to Dallas (but to be fair it was the right thing to do)
-Mike Magee traded to Los Angeles
-Find out card-magnet Juan Pietravallo is guaranteed a 200K contract
-Good but not great midfielder Jorge Rojas' salary is doubled
-Red Bull Arena is delayed yet again
-Hanover Training Facility is suspended indefinitely

I think most of you know that I'm pretty gung-ho about my club and the game in this country and try to be pretty level-headed about it all, even when things get pear-shaped. So please just for today excuse me just this once for being openly emotional about the fact that I feel like God, the State of New Jersey & various other elements are conspiring to do their damnedest to pry me away from being a fan of this franchise. I mean it really is like they don't want me to support them.

I was pretty bummed out yesterday after I read about the stadium delay, but I wasn't (and still am not) upset with the club about it. I understand that there have been challenges along the way that were out of their hands and I certainly cannot blame them for the sins of the father, decisions that were made before they took over.

However as a fan the one thing that really disappoints me is that for the past 4 season I, and I imagine many others, have purchased season tickets because of the team's ticket sales staff dangling the new stadium and a place in line to buy tickets there in front of me like a carrot. Every year I get a call, read online and hear stadium announcements about securing seats at Red Bull Arena by being a season ticket holder. This happened in 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. Hell, I even put down a $100 deposit on seats in Harrison 3 years ago.

Again I know that things happen that are often out of your control when building a major piece of construction, especially in New Jersey. I get that, I really do. But don't keep putting these movable goal posts in front of me when --real talk alert!-- there really is no other urgent need for me to buy season tickets for Giants Stadium (although I am appreciative of all of the free kits, track jackets and other perks that come with season tickets).

It may not sound like it, but I actually like most of the people I have dealt with at RBNY. I'm not trying to hate on them by any means. But continuing to entice me with the stadium is just wrong. For my sanity please, just don't even mention it for the remainder of the calendar year. In return, I will not complain about this particular issue again.

The Mayor, His Man and MLS


They say the golden rule of politics is to not get caught with a dead girl or a live boy. Portland mayor Sam Adams got caught with a live boy but since he's a known homosexualist it shouldn't seem like that big of a deal. But since the boy in question was an intern shi*t's gone all Lewinsky and he's now being investigated by the Oregon attorney general's office & every local publication with a website is calling for his resignation.

What's all this got to do with soccer? Well, apparently a good bit when it comes to MLS Expansion Deathrace 2011. Mayor Adams is very pro-soccer (he was a member of Timbers Army at some point) and if he does leave office it could have a prfound effect on the Paulson's big-league dreams. Oregonlive has got the word on what is possibly the closest American soccer will ever be to sex scandal...well until _________'s honeymoon tape leaks.

Ronnie O'Brien: In Need of a Bailout


What kind of world do we live in when Ronnie O'Brien can't find work in MLS? To quote the great 20th century humorist Christopher Rock, "first the Fat Boys break up, now this. There's just nothing to believe in anymore."

TFC Owners Branching Out


Whatever happened to MLSE buying GolTV? Oh it's happening...maybe even today.

Video: Landon's Scoring Two-fer vs. Mainz

That was goal one for Donovan in Bayern Munich's friendly vs. Mainz.

This was goal number two. In 5 matches for Klinnsman's crew he has 4 goals and an assist. It would be crazy to think that he could keep up this pace forever but if he can do it big like this overseas for a little while, I hope it'll really make some people reevaluate the quality players that the U.S. can produce. That is unless The Galaxy force him to come back in March.


Extra Time: The Needs Episode

What, RBNY doesn't need a stadium ASAFP?

And So I Died of a Broken Heart

You know I have lived in New Jersey for about 8 years now and I have fought with myself on a daily basis to keep from becoming jaded. It's a disease that is not limited to the great Garden State but seems to run rampant here. I think I'm now going to quit resisting it and just give in. After this final straw, it's not worth the fight.

Video: Ouch, That Hurts But It's Kinda Funny (But Kinda Wrong)

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The toes are definitely at the line here, but have they indeed crossed it? Only This Hour Has 22 Minutes can say for sure.

Charlie Davies Is About to Break


The last time Hammarby striker Charlie Davies was seen around these parts he was ballin' outta control with our Sacha & a few of the other boys out in Vegas. His most recent trip out to the American West probably doesn't involve nearly as much alcohol & gambling though since it's for a national team camp at the HDC (but to be fair, if he were in camp for Italy it might be a different story).

Speaking of stories, there is one about Charlie from Soccernet that is making the rounds today. Two little known facts not divulged in the piece: Once Carlton Fisk dies, Charlie will be the most famous athlete from New Hampshire. Also Charlie makes up approximately 3% of The Granite State's African American population.

Video: USL Boss Francisco Marcos Should Teach a Class

Every year FSC does their Center Circle show live from the unintentionally hilarious NSCAA convention, the place where the MLS Superdraft is held. For me the now-requisite interview with USL President & Founder Francisco Marcos is always the highlight. The guy is a pony keg of erudite soccer knowledge & frank opinion. You never feel like he's being anything but genuine and it's such an about face from what you get from certain soccer honchos when they are in front of the mic.

I have no idea where this interview came from (other than my inbox, thanks Tony) but it touches on everything from Obama & diversity, immigration, USL ownership and some NASL history. Press play and get schooled.

Ladyhawke: Because I Was Too Young for Ladies in the 80's

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If I told you that this video came out 6 months ago and not 26 years ago would you believe me? Ladyhawke hails from New Zealand and I know that they may get some things a little late down there but surely they haven't just now discovered the perverse pleasure of Reagan-era pop. It's like Pat Benatar, Kim Carnes and Sheena Easton stumbled upon Doc Brown's time machine on their way to Gary & Wyatt from Weird Science's house, created the ultimate 80's lady and sent her to now.

Sadly most people today will think she's a joke but if this were '83 she'd be playing arenas.

Video: FC Dallas First Practice, van den Berg on the Pitch

Dave van den Berg in an FC Dallas kit y'all. Hearts are breaking all over the NY-NJ area.


The Following Interview With Jimmy Conrad Was Conducted via Facebook with His Full Consent and Cooperation


Hey Jimmy. Thanks for not de-friending me. I'm just gonna get straight to it: do you party?

It depends on what your definition of “party” is. If you define “party” as swallowing some little yellow happy faces and within in an hour I have no shirt, pants, or shoes on and glow sticks are waving in my face, then no, I don’t “party.”

Yeah, party is a vague term. Better question: What's your drink?

Since the pre-season just started water is my drink of choice. I fully appreciate that I’m going to come off as a dud after this interview but on the rare occasion that I do take a sip I’ll try a White Russian in honor of the Dude from The Big Lebowski. What a great movie.

Hey, nothing wrong with mixing dairy products and alcohol. Have you ever had a Facebook stalker?

Yes. And I didn’t want to be THAT guy but the line was crossed and they are now officially blocked.

Hey you gotta do what you have to do. Now have you ever had a regular stalker? I only know of 2 MLS groupies but surely there are more out there otherwise no one would join the league.

Haha. The groupies are definitely out there but I think the only thing I can remember is this cute college girl coming up to me and saying that she used to have the biggest crush on me back in high school and at the time I was single and only a year or two removed from college and I was like, “Used to?” and she replied, “Yeah, used to.” It sucked to be me at that moment.

Damn, that does suck. Let's forget the past then and go to current events now. Somali Pirates: evil criminals or Johnny Depp enthusiasts gone too far?

I would say all of the above but if the Somali Pirates aren’t sporting any eyeliner, then I’m going to say (a) and (b). On a random note, it’s kind of absurd to think that there are still pirates sailing on the high seas, of course, I’m landlocked in Kansas City so I doubt my two cents is worth all that much.

Speaking of piracy, you and Michael Harrington got jacked by being left off out of the last national team camp. Just saying.

Point taken. No comment.

I noticed that your Facebook profile photo shows you wearing a bucket on your head...care to explain?

What I wish the answer really was: I had some homemade cornrows go awry and the bucket was the only thing that could cover what can only be called an unmitigated disaster.

The real sentimental Taster’s Choice answer: My then 15 month-old daughter kept putting a bucket on her head, walking around, and then running into things and I took some photos to embarrass her when she gets older. Somehow, I ended up with it on my head and there you go.

So on to food then. Now Jimmy I like BBQ. I can't help it, it's a disease. I'll eat brisket for breakfast if I have the option. Now if you had to take me out for BBQ in Kansas City, where would we go? Please state the full name & address of the restaurant (if available) and rate it's succulence on the following scale:

5 = Kim Kardashian
4 = Penelope Cruz
3 = Salma Hayek
2 = Jessica Beal
1 = Elisha Cuthbert

I would take you to Oklahoma Joe’s in Kansas City. There is another one in the suburbs but it doesn’t touch the original. The original’s address is 3002 W. 47th Street, Kansas City, KS 66103 and its website is oklahomajoesbbq.com. The best thing on the menu, for me, is the Z-man sandwich. Order that up with some fries and while you’re eating it your whole life will make sense, everything just comes together. Also, part of the restaurant’s charm is that it is attached to a gas station so taking all of these factors into consideration, I’m going to have to rate it the full 5 Kim Kardashian stars.

I'm sold. When was the last time you got into a fight (off the pitch)?

When your dad told me to stop calling your mom.

Um, wow. Jesus that was uncalled for. I love it. I also love crazy Charles Barkley who during a recent traffic stop, told the police that he was in a hurry to get some sex and that's why he was speeding. When was the last time you had a run in with the police and did you have to tell a lie?

I think Charles should run for some sort of political office because the guy seems like such a natural fit. Anyway, in regards to me, I’ve received two speeding tickets in the last 12 months and the opportunity to lie didn’t really present itself. Not that I would since I am a pillar of the community.

Well I was going to put a question in here about why 70's boobs were the best ever but I've now decided not to since you are, in fact, a pillar of the community. Still, feel free to respond with "No Comment" as a sly way of saying "SF I whole-heartedly agree with you but due to my high social standing I shouldn't say such things in an open forum".

Since my mom was a young woman in the 70’s, I’m definitely going to offer an emphatic “No comment!”

Oh yeah, it's best not to think about mom when the question involves mams. So I'll get one real soccer question for you then I'll scram. Where does Seattle finish in it's expansion year?

Better than Chivas USA’s first year in 2005 but worse than Chicago’s first year in 1998. I’ll be honest, it’s fun to present non-specific/gray area answers and pass them off as real answers. Anyway, thanks for getting all up in my Facebook. Later.

The Librarian: Day of the Match


You know those bedside books that your Gran reads at night before she goes to bed? You know the ones that you're meant to read one page a day and are often of a spiritual nature and whatnot? Day of the Match is kind of like that except instead of getting a daily prayer you get a daily piece of soccer history. It's great stuff, although it's a bit heavy on British footie history (but I'm only 21 days into it so there is plenty of time for the remainder of the planet to play catch up).

I'll tell you one that straight shocked me was the reading for January 17th: Sons of Ben formed in Philadelphia, U.S.A. I wasn't prepared to see anything MLS-related in there --sans a Beckham-to-Galaxy mention-- so that was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. Always good to see the supporters groups get a little shine as well so I'm doubly pleased with my purchase.

If you want to purchase it for yourself, Tower.com is the only domestic shop I was able to find it in but Amazon.co.uk, Waterstones, and WHSmith have it as well if you are in Europe.

Video: The BPA's "Toe Jam"

Norman Cook (a.k.a Fatboy Slim) + David Byrne + Dizzee Rascal = Brighton Port Authority. Sadly the video is a bit more clever than the music that accompanies it.

Video: Fowler's "I Haven't Signed...Yet" Press Conference

If you are waiting for Robbie Fowler to start wearing red again --Chicago Fire red to be exact-- you may have to wait a little bit longer if the Aussies have anything to do with it. He hasn't signed yet but the A-League's Fury are bucking hard for the man called God; I can't remember the last time I saw a full-on press conference with a player that wasn't even signed yet but I don't get out much.


Photo of the Day: Philly's Fun-Sized Stadium Model


I like it. It's like the HDC without the hill, upper deck and sunshine.

Video: A Day for Dancing

A classic break + some ankle breaking moves...happy inauguration day y'all.


The Yura Movsisyan Russian Bootleg Mixtape

For the last year or so TOR has lobbied pretty hard for Big Kenny Cooper to get a few more caps. And thanks 100% to my efforts it has recently been called up. I'm kidding.

I think since it's a new year I'm going to get a new favorite striker to champion for a call up, and that striker is Yura Movsisyan. I know there may be citizenship issues but from what little I know I think he's eligible to play for the U.S. Coach bradley, can you make it so.


Baby Bradley Scores (on the Field of Course)

If you haven't seen it, Michael Bradley did it from long range vs. Grasshopper yesterday. Quite the strike, no?

Funeral Party Surprisingly Upbeat

Some sh*tty little kids from East L.A. who from what I'm told kinda know how to party. This is "Car Wars" and they are definitely taking off with The Rapture's disco-punk crown on this track. Or at least they're trying to hold it for them until they get a new record out.

San Jose Bucking for Bobby Convey


Remember Bobby Convey? I'm not trying to be funny when I say that I completely forgot that he's at Reading. But I bet I would think of him more often if he were at San Jose. I hope it's just gossip though; hopefully he can hang on in England until he can be Philly's first signing.

Marriage: Everybody's Doing It


Congrats go out to RSL's Kenny Deucher for punching above his weight and landing his gorgeous wife. I guess I should congratulate Heather Mitts as well for her long overdue engagement to A.J. Feeley. About time he sacked up and drafted her...but I know alot of guys will be disappointed that she's off the market. In all seriousness though I wish them all the best and hope that they're happy ever after etc, etc.

Video: The ESPN Draft Recap

Rob Stone, Johnny "I kicked it with SF at the Arctic Monkeys gig" Harkes and His Ginger Majesty with the last word on the 2009 MLS Superdraft. So long college soccer, see you next year.

And Then There Were Five: Atlanta Leaves Expansion Race


Looks like Atlanta is the latest city to fall on Survivor: MLS Expansion Race 2011. Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank has put the kibosh on getting his bid's sh*t together in time for the next round of expansion but hasn't ruled out a push for 2013. This is on the heels of The Don calling St. Louis out for still not having pockets deep enough to earn a seat at this card game. Will they be the next to face elimination? Will they get a spin off show with fellow also-ran Montréal? Is Miami really the favorite or will Portland's minted owner's bail themsleves out and pay up on statdium renovation?

Tune in next time to find out!


The Greatest Wasteful Draft Pick Ever


Marilyn Lange, 1975 Playmate of the Year and 1976 NASL fourth round draft pick. Amazing.

Chicago Fire To Play in The Azteca in 2009


I just received the briefest of press releases from Chicago Fire PR, the full text of which is below. I really hope these games are televised...FSC make it happen.

BRIDGEVIEW, ILL. (January 15, 2009)Today, the Chicago Fire of Major League Soccer and Club America of the Mexican Primera Division announced that the two teams will compete for a Cup in a home-and-away series to be hosted at Azteca Stadium in Mexico City and at TOYOTA PARK in Chicago. The matches will take place in 2009.

Draft Bingo and Draft Streaming


4 picks in and I am only one square away from bingo. This is too easy. If you don't have a TV at work you can watch the draft on TFCtv. Tune in here.

The Draft Isn't the Only Way to Get a Gig in Soccer


There are other means to use a computer to find a job beside Monster.com and CareerBuilder. Even if you want to be a soccer player or a soccer coach.


Like Shaft, DaMarcus Beasley Is a Complicated Man


I don't know what's going on with Run DMB; one day he's staying with Rangers the next day he's on the trade block if the papers are to be believe. But I'm not even sure my man knows what's going on with him. In today's AP piece he says both “If I’m not playing here, I should move on” and "I love the club and I’m hopeful I can get back in and play my part in the team. I don’t have any desire to go somewhere else because I’m happy here.”

He sounds a little conflicted to me. I think he wants to stay in Glasgow....if he's playing. Otherwise he'd like to get off the pine and hit the road which is totally understandable. It shouldn't be too hard for him to find work; if Europe isn't working out, Dave van den Berg just left for Texas so I think there might be a position open for a left winger in New Jersey.

So This Band Just Played In The Office...


The photo above is of Razorlight playing in our office about an hour ago. I loved their 1st album, lost them on their second album but have now found them again with their new single, Wire to Wire. The song is so sensitive, the earring is so Boomtown Rats and I am so OK with that since I'm predisposed to Britrock (it runs in the family).

It's Time to Play MLS Superdraft Bingo!


Here it is kids! The 2009 MLS Superdraft bingo card brought to you by Advantage Played and The Offside Rules in association with Designated Players. The rules are simple: when you spot one of the draft day cliches during ESPN2's live coverage (January 15 at 2pm EST), you cross out the box. Get five in a row in any direction and you have bingo! The winner get a tryout with Seattle Sounders FC! (I'm kidding but you wouldn't be surprised would you?)

And if you are as clueless as most people are about college soccer --and that includes 90% of the paid pundits out there-- you should check out the cracking rundown of top prospects at Advantage Played.

Saaaaaay, Are Those Two Guys Trying to Ditch US?!


The world "escape" is just so dramatic, even when it is not attached to a story involving hardened criminals, mental patients or tigers from the local zoo. It is particularly dramatic when applied to a pair of well-paid soccer players and their troubled club. Mark Zeilger brings the Broadway.


Thomas Dooley: One of Those Rare Times When Getting Someone Knocked Up Overseas Actually Kinda Works Out for the Best


We gave you them Hasselhoff, they gave us this guy. Not a bad deal in my opinion.

NSR: 2 Minutes 20 Seconds of Harmonic Pop Pleasure

I have listened to this song 3 times in the last hour. If only the sixties were actually good.

Failing Scottish Club to Call on Yanks to Save It's Hide

When trying to sell a sports team to potential investors, you should probably get beyond the first two minutes of the presentation before you mention that the team in question is "a team that has one of the worst records in all of professional sports" (see the video below). But when the team is the subject of an interesting public ownership scheme/BBC reality show you're probably not too hung up on doing things as they have been done before.

Scotland's Fort William FC is taking on a somewhat grand experiment by entrusting their 2008-2009 season to a bunch of American guys in an attempt to go from worst to first this year. The entire season and all it's trials and tribulations will be on full display for a camera crew and the results will be a reality series entitled "America's Team FC". In additionally, for only $50US you can invest in the team and vote on the team's lineups, substitutions & strategy while following the team's progress through streaming video and a whole host of other stuff that's outlined in the video below. It's an interesting intersection between reality TV, social networking and sport; I've never played any fantasy sports but I think I might buy in to this because it has the potential to be tops or go tits-up. Either way it's gonna be special. Anyone else want to join me?

Video: Muddy Ladies Playing Soccer

Sorry, but this just never gets old. That and I haven't used the "flesh" tag in a while.

I Really Hope This Isn't True. Jose Torres, What Have You Heard?


Please read the Washington Examiner's preface post before clicking this link. My Spanish is shameful for a native Texan but I can read the word's "Orlando Tuzos USA" a little too clearly for my liking. When will the brand miscegenation end?

Video: The State of Brand Beckham's Marketing Appeal

Courtesy of comically named reporter Penny Tweedie of the International Herald Tribune. I'll play the role of contrarian and say that I don't agree; this is America, even if can't really "do" anything --even though I think it's obvious that he can still do a lot-- you can still be famous, you can still attract endorsments and you can still draw a crowd. Paris Hilton anyone?

Video: Donovan Scores for Bayern Munich

Well that didn't take long. Dudes got an assist and a goal in his first two games...I'll be shocked if we see him in a Galaxy uniform in '09.


Somebody in Kansas City Got a Facelift


Not a player though. Who? See for yourself.

Training Day: Now Without Denzel Washington!

Practice makes perfect.

TOR's Favourite Albums of 2008: #1

It is my opinion that TV on the Radio's Dear Science is damn near flawless, and therefore number 1. What's your number 1 for 2008? The floor is open.

RBNY To Face Pretty Much The Best Team That Doesn't Exist

My man Darko just laid it on me RBNY will be playing the following team in a colossal charity event this summer at Giants Stadium. Although the charity is a most worthy cause, it is not in aid of helping RBNY sign one of the players involved so ESC members should begin plotting the kidnappings now.

Mikael Silvestre (Centre back, left back)

He currently plays for Arsenal and the France National team. Silvestre's most positive attribute is his pace, and he often sets up scoring opportunities. He is also noted for his crossing and tackling abilities. Mikael Won 4 English Premiership crowns, the FA Cup, the UEFA Champions League and the UEFA Nation Cup among other trophies. He is the founder of All Stars for Hope.

Cristiano Ronaldo (Winger)

The 2008 FIFA Player of the Year plays for English Premier League club Manchester United and the Portuguese national team. In addition to winning the 2007-08 UEFA Champions League, he is a winner of the 2007 English PFA Player of the Year and Young Player of the Year awards. You missus and your gay friend from work love him, you hate to love him.

Thierry Henry (Forward)

France National Team's all-time leading scorer (48 goals, 105 caps), Arsenal's all-time leading scorer (226 goals in 8 seasons), he currently plays for Spanish powerhouse, FC Barcelona. He won the World Cup in 98, and the Euro in 2000. Knows 50 Cent.

Nicolas Anelka (Striker)

A French footballer who plays for Chelsea F.C.. After making his name at Arsenal FC, he transferred to Chelsea from Bolton Wanderers F.C. for a reported £15 million in January 2008. Nicolas won the Euro in 2000, and has scored over 100 goals in the English Premier League. Most famous glove-wearer since Micheal Jackson.

Didier Drogba (Striker)

Ivorian footballer who plays for Chelsea in the English Premier League. He was the Premier League top scorer in 2006–07 with 20 goals as well as the 2006 African Player of the Year. Drogba holds the distinction of being the only player to score in three League Cup finals, in 2005, 2007 and 2008. He also is a U.N. Ambassador and has the worst hair in world football.

Bacary Sagna (defender)

French international currently playing for Arsenal FC who signed him in 2007 after he has established himself as one of the top young defenders in French Ligue 1. After A superb first season under his new colers, he is now considered as one of the most solid and dependable EPL players in his role. Bacary has 25 caps with the France NT U-21, and 5 with the "les Bleus". Sits second do Drogba on the table of regrettable hair.

Claude Makelele (Defensive midfielder)

A French international football player, who currently plays for Paris St. Germain in the French Ligue 1. He is widely considered the premier defensive midfielder of the modern game, so much so that his name has become synonymous with the position, which is sometimes called the "Makélélé Role". One of only 2 cool people on earth to have the name Claude (the second is DJ Claude Von Stroke).

Emmanuel Adebayor (Forward)

African Player of the Year in 2006, he has established himself as one of Arsenal's top guns with 57 goals in 125 games. "Ade" is a spectacular striker who has won the hearts of Arsenal fans around the world. He has also been a remarkable player for the Togolese National Team, helping them qualify to their first ever World Cup in 2006. Did we mention that he can dance?

Frank Lampard (Midfielder)

English football midfielder currently playing for Chelsea FC and the England national team. He is the club's active scoring leader with 111 goals, the highest ever for a Chelsea midfielder. Allegedly made a sex tape.

Gael Clichy (Defender)

At only 23, and with already 124 caps, Gael is one of the 4 pillars of Arsenal's defense line. A poll taken among Arsenal fans in 2008 revealed that he was their 2nd favorite player. He won the English Premier League Crown in 2004, the FA Cup in 2005, reached the final of the Champions League in 2006, and was named in the English Professional Footballers' Association Team of the Year in 2007. He is also bald.

Manuel Almunia (GK)

Once Arsenal's #2 goalie when former German International GK Jens Lehmann was in place, he is now arsenal's indisputable gate-keeper, and also earned the co-captaincy. His brilliant performances, hard work values and and friendliness have been his main assets to get to this highly disputed position...and that's about it really.

Ousmane Dabo (Midfielder)

Long time friend of Mikael Silvestre as they started their career together at Rennes and Inter Milan, Ousmane has accumulated a tremendous experience playing for some of the most prestigious clubs in France, Italy and England. He is now playing for Italian side S.S. Lazio (Roma), who have a stadium full of facist.

Patrick Viera (Midfielder)

Currently playing for Inter Milan (Serie A). He came to prominence during his stint at Arsenal from 1996 to 2005. Viera won the World Cup in 1998 and the Euro in 2000. He is also still French.

Ryan Giggs (Winger)

A Welsh footballer who has played for Manchester United as a left midfielder for the entirety of his club career to-date, since 1990, and is famed as one of the greatest wingers of all time in the game. Counts Homer Simpson amongst his fans.

William Gallas (defender)

Watched the film "300", relayed it to teammates.