How to Truly Enjoy A Summer of Soccer

In order to be properly prepared for the "Summer of Soccer" I suggest you start taking care of a few matters that will make the whole experience run a little smoother. Please see the list below:

1. Call a divorce lawyer;101 matches over 51 games is enough to strain any relationship.

2. If you're on the cusp of an unfortunate lay-off, think about reaching out to HR and volunteering before the ax drops; you may get a better severance package and you can start planning your away match travel sooner rather than later.

3. It's hot and dehydration can be an issue: start alternating your cases of beer with cases of water at a rate of 2 to1.

4. As I said it's hot and no one likes to be known as sweaty bollocks; keep your stones dry and clean with Ballapowder.

5. Get a tune up because you sure as hell don't want to break down in Baltimore en route to Chelsea - AC Milan; contrary to what The Fader and blogs will tell you B-More isn't all Dan Deacon and the Wu-Tang dance.

6. Think about finding religion; I'm told Jesus gets a lot of requests around the 85th minute and may screen his calls on occasion. He may pick up the phone though if it's someone he knows on the other line.

7. Give up religion; it'll be much easier to enjoy a Canadian lap dance --so I'm told-- after the Real Madrid-Toronto FC match if you are not thinking about whether or not this is a sin (p.s it's not if she really likes you).

8. Don't sleep on the early rounds of the Gold Cup: the match against Grenada may be the only U.S. win for a minute.

9. If you are the kind of fan that stands and sings buy throat lozenges in bulk. They, along with a ridiculously-priced super-fine scotch, will keep your throat greased and voice intact.

10. Go hard or go...to a baseball game.


Anonymous said...

Great day today SF, lots of quality posts!

SF said...

Thanks. A lot of quality commentors today.

skierbum said...

Good stuff!

Mr. Fish said...

Would love to see the USOC noted in the Summer of Soccer, but there's no $$ in it...