3.08.2009

Beckham Arrangement to Save The (Sexual) Economy

Writer

There were three main parties involved with the Beckham loan/sideshow: LA Galaxy/MLS, AC Milan and Camp Beckham (obviously). Now there are positives and negatives for each side in this thing but no matter what tehy say in the press I don't think that any of them left the negotiation table feeling wholly satisfied.

So who will be satisfied with this situation? Sportswriters, specifically those who don't write about soccer other than to say something negative. Let's be honest here, the bizzaro nature of this deal (the horrible precident of offering refunds to Galaxy ticket holders, the obviousness of Beckham's desire to escape LA) is going to give them enough ammo to shoot down a squadron of soccer-defenders without so much as looking. Dudes will will have a field day and it won't be pretty for the initiated. But for the haters it will be Christmas, birthday and honeymoon sex all at the same time and all the way until November. But they will not be alone in thier happiness.

Hussies

This will also be boon-times for the nation's most cheap and scandalous ladies. Why? Because they will get one last chance to fill stadia in groups of seven from SoCal to North Jersey wearing nothing but the most tight-fitting & revealing attire with one of the seven letters required to spell "Beckham" written upon thier midriff.

Bros

Conversely this will be a happy time for Bro's. Because whether they are into footie or not, Bro's will chase ho's wherever they may roam. Even if it means spending $65 for tickets to a pansy-assed soccer game.

RichGuy

The rich guys who own every damn thing aka The Man will be more than pleased with this arrangment. Rich guys own the teams, the stadia and make money from extortinate parking fees. They own the company that makes the beer that the Bros will buy for the Hussies. They also own Trojan. They'll be making money and for rich guys money = happiness.

MILFS

MILF's will be outrageously happy because A) rich guys will have more money to spend on buying them cosmotinis and B) they still hold on to that pre-menopausal dream that some day, if they wear just the right Ed Hardy string bikini at the right pool on the right day in Las Vegas, they will get to make out with David Beckham.

Basically this deal will save the economy and everyone will get some ass (except for married people) so everybody wins.



*Editor's Note: I have been drinking.

12 comments:

The AMT said...

Drunk-blogging. Like drunk dialing, but on a whole other level. SF, Bud Light salutes you as a Real Man of Genius.

Leonardo said...

*hilarious* reminds me of Tony Pierce of LAist fame and his drunk blogging - some good work (art) indeed!

Brian said...

damn, best TOR post ever (and I'm drinking as well).

peteo said...

Makes sense to me. I'm gonna go pour one for this post.

FC Uptown said...

No doubt that is the greatest post I've read on the Beckham situation and the best post on TOR ev.

Ed said...

This is an epic win.

Anonymous said...

Love it! One of your best ever.

Anonymous said...

dibs on the middle milf. dibs.

ben said...

i will gladly supply beverages if this is the genius that is product of imbibing said beverages. if you come down TN way let me know and i'll be sure to get the quality stuff out.

rockon

Anonymous said...

brilliant

BJR said...

Nice work. I've been wondering where all this 'spilled red wine' is that you claim to sully soccer's social fabric with.

Cheers!

HomeyBoehme said...

This was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.