The Following Interview With Jimmy Conrad Was Conducted via Facebook with His Full Consent and Cooperation


Hey Jimmy. Thanks for not de-friending me. I'm just gonna get straight to it: do you party?

It depends on what your definition of “party” is. If you define “party” as swallowing some little yellow happy faces and within in an hour I have no shirt, pants, or shoes on and glow sticks are waving in my face, then no, I don’t “party.”

Yeah, party is a vague term. Better question: What's your drink?

Since the pre-season just started water is my drink of choice. I fully appreciate that I’m going to come off as a dud after this interview but on the rare occasion that I do take a sip I’ll try a White Russian in honor of the Dude from The Big Lebowski. What a great movie.

Hey, nothing wrong with mixing dairy products and alcohol. Have you ever had a Facebook stalker?

Yes. And I didn’t want to be THAT guy but the line was crossed and they are now officially blocked.

Hey you gotta do what you have to do. Now have you ever had a regular stalker? I only know of 2 MLS groupies but surely there are more out there otherwise no one would join the league.

Haha. The groupies are definitely out there but I think the only thing I can remember is this cute college girl coming up to me and saying that she used to have the biggest crush on me back in high school and at the time I was single and only a year or two removed from college and I was like, “Used to?” and she replied, “Yeah, used to.” It sucked to be me at that moment.

Damn, that does suck. Let's forget the past then and go to current events now. Somali Pirates: evil criminals or Johnny Depp enthusiasts gone too far?

I would say all of the above but if the Somali Pirates aren’t sporting any eyeliner, then I’m going to say (a) and (b). On a random note, it’s kind of absurd to think that there are still pirates sailing on the high seas, of course, I’m landlocked in Kansas City so I doubt my two cents is worth all that much.

Speaking of piracy, you and Michael Harrington got jacked by being left off out of the last national team camp. Just saying.

Point taken. No comment.

I noticed that your Facebook profile photo shows you wearing a bucket on your head...care to explain?

What I wish the answer really was: I had some homemade cornrows go awry and the bucket was the only thing that could cover what can only be called an unmitigated disaster.

The real sentimental Taster’s Choice answer: My then 15 month-old daughter kept putting a bucket on her head, walking around, and then running into things and I took some photos to embarrass her when she gets older. Somehow, I ended up with it on my head and there you go.

So on to food then. Now Jimmy I like BBQ. I can't help it, it's a disease. I'll eat brisket for breakfast if I have the option. Now if you had to take me out for BBQ in Kansas City, where would we go? Please state the full name & address of the restaurant (if available) and rate it's succulence on the following scale:

5 = Kim Kardashian
4 = Penelope Cruz
3 = Salma Hayek
2 = Jessica Beal
1 = Elisha Cuthbert

I would take you to Oklahoma Joe’s in Kansas City. There is another one in the suburbs but it doesn’t touch the original. The original’s address is 3002 W. 47th Street, Kansas City, KS 66103 and its website is oklahomajoesbbq.com. The best thing on the menu, for me, is the Z-man sandwich. Order that up with some fries and while you’re eating it your whole life will make sense, everything just comes together. Also, part of the restaurant’s charm is that it is attached to a gas station so taking all of these factors into consideration, I’m going to have to rate it the full 5 Kim Kardashian stars.

I'm sold. When was the last time you got into a fight (off the pitch)?

When your dad told me to stop calling your mom.

Um, wow. Jesus that was uncalled for. I love it. I also love crazy Charles Barkley who during a recent traffic stop, told the police that he was in a hurry to get some sex and that's why he was speeding. When was the last time you had a run in with the police and did you have to tell a lie?

I think Charles should run for some sort of political office because the guy seems like such a natural fit. Anyway, in regards to me, I’ve received two speeding tickets in the last 12 months and the opportunity to lie didn’t really present itself. Not that I would since I am a pillar of the community.

Well I was going to put a question in here about why 70's boobs were the best ever but I've now decided not to since you are, in fact, a pillar of the community. Still, feel free to respond with "No Comment" as a sly way of saying "SF I whole-heartedly agree with you but due to my high social standing I shouldn't say such things in an open forum".

Since my mom was a young woman in the 70’s, I’m definitely going to offer an emphatic “No comment!”

Oh yeah, it's best not to think about mom when the question involves mams. So I'll get one real soccer question for you then I'll scram. Where does Seattle finish in it's expansion year?

Better than Chivas USA’s first year in 2005 but worse than Chicago’s first year in 1998. I’ll be honest, it’s fun to present non-specific/gray area answers and pass them off as real answers. Anyway, thanks for getting all up in my Facebook. Later.


Anonymous said...

love james p conrad
so so much

Super Rookie said...

Conrad has scored many points.

Anonymous said...

What a badass! and how is he not in camp right now?

Anonymous said...

If he's this witty off the field, just imagine the discussions he has with opposing strikers on the field. We need to start micing players.

Anonymous said...

This is why I come to you blog SF. One of the coolest pieces I've seen since I started following. Nice work.

Alan said...

What a great interview!!

For BBQ in KC, I would go to Jack Stack's. I've been to the one in Frieght House. http://www.jackstackbbq.com/jack-stack-barbecue-home-page/i/2/

The Ribs! The Brisket! The Burnt Ends! The Hickory Pit Beans!