Nicole Richie's Dad Was a Keeper, But the Video is Trash

People sometimes wonder why there aren't as many black dudes playing soccer in America as there are in other non-hockey sports. Some will point to the socio-economics of our beautiful, flawed country (true), the extortionately high cost of youth soccer (too true), and general lack of interest (somewhat true). The thing NO ONE ever brings up is that Lionel Richie & The Commodores pretty much killed most of our Pele dreams single handedly.

In 1981 I was 5 years old and I adored The Commodores. With their mushroom-cloud afros they dominated my parents hi-fi and the stereo in my mother's Ford Granada; along with The O'Jays and Off The Wall-era Michael Jackson they formed the Holy Trinity of funky R&B. It was also the year that Richie & Co. released the horrendous video for the stone cold jam "Lady You Bring Me Up". For my money this video not only killed any and all chocolate soccer fantasies, but possibly set US soccer back 25 years and may have even been responsible for the death of the NASL.

Here's a question: which geriatric would you rather have in goal? Lionel Ritchie, Fabien Barthez, or David Seaman? I'd take Richie over Seaman because as awful as his afro-mullet (also known as a 'shag' in America's Reagan-era black barbershops) was it's somehow still better than Seaman's "Begbie from Trainspotting with a ponytail look". I would take him over Barthez as well due to the eccentric Frenchman's penchant for erratic play; Lionel on the other hand had 5 number one singles in five years and has sold over 100 million albums…if that isn't consistent I don't know what is.